Change is Stressful but Necessary for Growth

On Monday, I started participating in an online academic writing club. http://www.academicwritingclub.com This week has been an interesting journey so far. I had some anxiety for the first few days as I held unrealistic expectations that I would suddenly get the dissertation writing process under control and see dramatic progress towards the completion of the dissertation journey. The anxiety even had physical manifestations in which my muscles were tight and felt kind of a pinched nerve sensation. When this happened, which was on the evening of the second day of the club, I knew I had to evaluate what was going on.

Reading snippets of my 'Mommy Mantras' book has helped as there is a section on stress. One of the approaches was to become aware of the feelings as they surfaced and rather than tightening up in response to the anxiety, which of course always makes the situation worse, they recommended 'sitting with the feeling', 'acknowledging it', and 'softening it'. The latter recommendation didn't really make sense to me at first, but then I began to notice that when I just sat with the feeling as it arose, refusing to panic and tighten up, the anxiety's effects were lessened and a kind of perspective emerged on the anxiety. I started to have room to explore the reasons for the anxiety and to reframe my view of the situation. I'm not usually a fan of this type of approach, but I have to admit that it has helped immensely this week. It also helped that Wednesday night was a teleconference for the writing club and many of my concerns were shown to be common among other folks doing academic writing. Then, right after the conference call, I decided to take a few minutes to read scripture. The encouraging words found in Isaiah 40 were a balm to my troubled soul:

9 You who bring good tidings to Zion, go up on a high mountain. You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, [c] lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah, "Here is your God!"
10 See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and his arm rules for him. See, his reward is with him, nd his recompense accompanies him.
11 He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?
13 Who has understood the mind [d] of the LORD, or instructed him as his counselor?
14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding?

What struck me was the juxtaposition between the immanence and transcendance of God. Here is the One who 'measures waters in the hollow of his hand', 'holds the dust of the earth in a basket', and 'weighs the mountains on the scales'. Here is the One who 'tends his flock like a shepherd', 'gathers his lambs and holds them close to his heart', and 'gently leads those that have young'. So my stress over the dissertation project, my concern over the fighting in Gaza, the dire realities of the economy, were put in a little better perspective.

In a related thought, reading The Crucifixion of Ministry by my former professor, Dr. Andrew Purves, has made me reflect on the dissertation process. I believe that my studies are a form of ministry and for quite some time, I articulated that they were intended to edify the Church, but this fall, I became acutely aware that the achievement of a Ph.D. and a tenure-track position were also 'covertly' major ego boosters. After a painful disappointment this fall as well as resolving to finish the dissertation even though it feels overwhelming much of the time, I began to catch on to the notion that I was really doing much of this 'ministry' in my name and for my glory. Now I am trying to shift to an understanding that I am participating in Christ's ministry, under his direction, in his power. Perhaps if this thinking takes root, my anxiety will further diminish, although I now that the work itself will not get any easier.

What is changing through the writing club is instituting the discipline of writing five days a week, planning the next session's work, and setting achievable goals. As the days have gone by this week, I am seeing progress in writing, organization, and the best part of all is that the creative juices are flowing. I've had some good interactions with professors about my dissertation, discovered some new source leads, and connections. I look forward to seeing further fruits from this approach in the coming week.