Sustenance

During our vacation, I finished two great reads: 'Home' by Marilynne Robinson and 'An Altar in the World' by Barbara Brown Taylor. 'Home' hit close to my heart when thinking about family and the yearnings we have for each other, the changes that come through the years, the ways in which we know each other, yet do not fully know each other. The ways that grace courses through our lives in ways that we can never fully appreciate this side of the Jordan. 'An Altar in the World' is a non-fiction work, covering a variety of topics such as pain, prayer, being lost, and many more very thoughtful concepts. I had been reading the chapters over the course of a few weeks, but was very touched by the being lost chapter which is the feeling I've had this summer and that I'm hoping is going to be gradually changing as I head into the fall.

The last night we were there, I took a shower before we went out to dinner. I had just been reading some of 'Home' and just felt so empathetic for both Jack, Glory and their Dad. The tremendous love they had for each other was amazing. The father had prayed for Jack, who had been away for 20 years, and now he was home, but despite showing some signs of redemption, was still a broken person, just as his father and sister were. But his father, in his old age, lamented that he had spent so many years loving his son, yearning for him, grieving for him, praying for him, and all the pain he had experienced by exercising himself in this way.

So in the shower, parts of these verses came to me (found out later it is Isaiah 46:3-4): "Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." When I was reading the book, 'Home', I was connecting my father in his last years with the dad in the novel. And while my father was in hospice, I remember reading and praying those words, trying to have confidence that God was carrying my dad even in his old age and gray hairs. I knew Dad was on his way off the earth and I hoped with all my heart that God was being faithful to his lovingkindness for my dad, the one who helped to bring about my own life, and who did his level best to make me into a good person.

But in the shower, a shift came and I started to apply the verses to myself. Here I am in middle age, no longer having my birth parents alive on the earth, with the joys of having a wonderful husband and an amazing daughter and a sweet dog, along with many family members and friends who God has still left here on earth to share the journey with. But I've lived for so long like everything depended on my efforts. With the dissertation, I've been ready to throw in the bloody towel and just admit that I have failed to finish that race. But in the meantime, God has pointed out, gently and deftly as usual, that I cannot sustain myself in the dissertation race. I have a group of colleagues, family and friends who want to see me finish. I even sense that God has called me to a vocation of teaching college or seminary students, having an opportunity to pour care and insight into their lives.

But now it is September 8th. Now the new academic year has begun. Now I have to ask for a second extension on my dissertation. Now I have to press on. I appreciate your prayers that I would be aware of God's sustaining power and that I don't have to and can't muster the enthusiasm and energy to finish the dissertation on my own. I need God's help and I need the help of other humans. Thanks be to God for his faithful sustaining power and for his provisions through many caring people.

Retranslation Making More Sense!

Although I'm in a drought with my dissertation at the moment due to some emotional valleys, I decided this week to retranslate some of the rockier parts of my Collection I translations of Macarius. I started with the first one today, Logos V.2.3, and just the last few sentences. But now they make more sense to me and they are actually very encouraging in this season of grief and sorrow. Hope they encourage you too.

"It is joy for the one who mourns and those who are burdened, and consolation refreshing the afflicted, and the tears and the groaning out of the depths of their hearts produce delights for those who belong to the house/family of God. For those who bypass this measure/rule by avoiding all affliction from the face of the soul are also the ones who forsake the tears, grace and love carried by/through the Lord. For such is the measure of completeness."

I know that when the tears come, there is healing in them and God is present with all those who mourn. In fact, he is a fellow mourner sitting with us in the dust. I appreciate your prayers that I would mourn as the grief comes, but be faithful to move forward with life when God gives me a good day like today. Today I used one of the humongous Greek-English concordances that my father and step-mom gave me for Christmas a few years back. It brought tears to my eyes, but thankfulness for that continuing symbol of their support in this project.

Moving Forward

Elizabeth Musser's latest album, 'Words Unspoken', went with me on my trip to Pittsburgh in April and I read the first 100 pages or so. Now near the end of July, I'm near the 250 mark and really enjoying the interwoven lives and stories. The story centers on a young lady, Lissa Randall, who lost her mom in a tragic accident for which she feels responsible. The book focuses on her driving lessons with Ev MacAllister and his gentle way of drawing her out towards healing and re-entering life. The main characters live in Lookout Mountain, TN, but also featured are scenes from Montpellier, France, where I met Elizabeth and her family back in 1990.

Now almost twenty years later, I feel a kinship with young Lissa as I face how many ways I choose to live on the edge of life rather than diving in to the center. Six weeks ago yesterday, we lost Dad. Last night, I took Sarah out to The Cheesecake Factory all fancied up like the 'Fancy Nancy' series we've been reading. A young couple was seated next to us with their six week old son, Elijah. It wasn't until I got home that I figured out that he was born about the same time that Dad died. I think God wanted me to see that even though I miss my Dad, that he has Life eternal to enjoy, while I have an opportunity to engage in life like Sarah, little JT, and now baby Elijah.

The past week has gone better despite a crazy schedule of parenting with Tom's work requiring extra hours, an esophagram on Tuesday, and two appointments on Thursday. I promised myself a fun day on Wednesday and got out to see the new Harry Potter flick. But Wednesday through Friday, I started the practice of 'freewriting' - free-flow writing for 10-15 minutes. On Thursday, I looked over chapter two of my dissertation and found some notes to work from that I had typed out in May before I left for Ohio. So this afternoon, I'm heading over to do some freewriting as well as some planning for the ch2 work this coming week.

We're having grilled salmon tonight compliments of Tom's charter fishing trip with some colleagues last night. Yum! Sounds like getting back into life to me!

The Plan to Finish Chapter One

After meeting with my director last Thursday, I have a new deadline for chapter one: May 1st. Although I already have 21 pages written, it still feels like a daunting task as chapter one involves the literature review. Half of my scholars write in German, a couple in French and a few in English. So I'm committing to translating some German for the chapter 30 minutes a day for the next month. The plan to complete the rest of the chapter in a month involves a daily focus on either a scholar or theme. The first two weeks will be primarily on the scholars. So yesterday, I wrote on Ephrem A. Davids' Das Bild vom Neuen Menschen which I discovered will offer some helpful material for my dissertation. He deals with some of my favorite subtopics such as the image of God and sanctification. Today, I'll be delving into one of the 'biggies', Hermann Dörries, who wrote Die Theologie des Makarios/Symeon, one of the longest works devoted to Macarius: 459 pages of text! Tomorrow will be a French scholar, Vincent Desprez, and later in the week, three Anglophones (Marcus Plested, Alexander Golitzin - my director!, and Columba Stewart). Getting some of the challenging German work done early in the week is a better idea than leaving them until the end of the week!

I've requisitioned a number of books from Marquette and Inter-Library Loan this past weekend. One is a major work on Macarius written in the late 90's by Klaus Fitschen. Then there are the SEVEN Finnish-German conferences on Macarius. I've looked at five of them before, but discovered this weekend that two more conferences took place in 2003 and 2007. (More reason to finish soon, so the 2011 conference doesn't become part of my reading requirements...Or maybe I'll have the opportunity to present at the 2011 conference if I finish my dissertation!) There are occasional papers given at the conference in English (or at least published in English - so maybe they'd let an American sneak in...)

The reward for a month of solid work will be a trip to Pittsburgh for the PTS alumni days! The travel arrangements are already in place, but it will feel wonderful to get on the plane knowing that chapter one has been turned in!! Stranger things have happened.

The Dissertation Expedition

Sarah has a book called 'The Shopping Expedition' in which a mom takes her children and dog to buy groceries. They make the list, wave goodbye to dad, and then off they go. The car breaks down. They walk through the desert, a jungle, mountains, and eventually end up as seafaring grocery seekers. Throughout the book, with each new challenge, the little girl as narrator says "But we kept going." She also saves her family from the cheeky monkeys. They eventually arrive at the shop on the shore, buy the groceries, and head home to tell dad about their incredible journey.

The last time I read the book to Sarah, I pondered it as a metaphor for my dissertation project. No one has a straight-forward dissertation experience, at least that I've met. It's at least a nine month project and for some a decade. The work is largely done in isolation, requiring much perseverance and motivation. Every person who 'dissertates' has most likely never tried to write a 200 to 300 page book, especially on an arcane topic, knowing that no one will probably ever read the product. If a marriage and parenthood are intertwined with the dissertation stage, life becomes a juggling act of dangerous proportions. I cannot imagine writing my dissertation without Tom journeying with me or Sarah telling me that 'she needs to write her dissertation too'. My mother-in-law queried my sister-in-law when I started the doctoral program as to whether I liked to write, 'because she better'. It seemed like such a silly question at the time, but now that I've been working on the project for a number of years now, I have to say that this kind of writing is far less invigorating than I had experienced with term papers or even preparing for a presentation. There is no immediacy to this kind of project whereas I always had a fixed deadline prior to this. Now I have a fixed deadline for my dissertation, 31 December 2009. I'm not sure how many days I have left, but I recognize that I must 'keep going' whether through storm, drought, sea, or jungle. Eventually I will reach the shop on the shore, return home, and share my unbelievable adventures with anyone who cares to listen.

Change is Stressful but Necessary for Growth

On Monday, I started participating in an online academic writing club. http://www.academicwritingclub.com This week has been an interesting journey so far. I had some anxiety for the first few days as I held unrealistic expectations that I would suddenly get the dissertation writing process under control and see dramatic progress towards the completion of the dissertation journey. The anxiety even had physical manifestations in which my muscles were tight and felt kind of a pinched nerve sensation. When this happened, which was on the evening of the second day of the club, I knew I had to evaluate what was going on.

Reading snippets of my 'Mommy Mantras' book has helped as there is a section on stress. One of the approaches was to become aware of the feelings as they surfaced and rather than tightening up in response to the anxiety, which of course always makes the situation worse, they recommended 'sitting with the feeling', 'acknowledging it', and 'softening it'. The latter recommendation didn't really make sense to me at first, but then I began to notice that when I just sat with the feeling as it arose, refusing to panic and tighten up, the anxiety's effects were lessened and a kind of perspective emerged on the anxiety. I started to have room to explore the reasons for the anxiety and to reframe my view of the situation. I'm not usually a fan of this type of approach, but I have to admit that it has helped immensely this week. It also helped that Wednesday night was a teleconference for the writing club and many of my concerns were shown to be common among other folks doing academic writing. Then, right after the conference call, I decided to take a few minutes to read scripture. The encouraging words found in Isaiah 40 were a balm to my troubled soul:

9 You who bring good tidings to Zion, go up on a high mountain. You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, [c] lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah, "Here is your God!"
10 See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and his arm rules for him. See, his reward is with him, nd his recompense accompanies him.
11 He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?
13 Who has understood the mind [d] of the LORD, or instructed him as his counselor?
14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding?

What struck me was the juxtaposition between the immanence and transcendance of God. Here is the One who 'measures waters in the hollow of his hand', 'holds the dust of the earth in a basket', and 'weighs the mountains on the scales'. Here is the One who 'tends his flock like a shepherd', 'gathers his lambs and holds them close to his heart', and 'gently leads those that have young'. So my stress over the dissertation project, my concern over the fighting in Gaza, the dire realities of the economy, were put in a little better perspective.

In a related thought, reading The Crucifixion of Ministry by my former professor, Dr. Andrew Purves, has made me reflect on the dissertation process. I believe that my studies are a form of ministry and for quite some time, I articulated that they were intended to edify the Church, but this fall, I became acutely aware that the achievement of a Ph.D. and a tenure-track position were also 'covertly' major ego boosters. After a painful disappointment this fall as well as resolving to finish the dissertation even though it feels overwhelming much of the time, I began to catch on to the notion that I was really doing much of this 'ministry' in my name and for my glory. Now I am trying to shift to an understanding that I am participating in Christ's ministry, under his direction, in his power. Perhaps if this thinking takes root, my anxiety will further diminish, although I now that the work itself will not get any easier.

What is changing through the writing club is instituting the discipline of writing five days a week, planning the next session's work, and setting achievable goals. As the days have gone by this week, I am seeing progress in writing, organization, and the best part of all is that the creative juices are flowing. I've had some good interactions with professors about my dissertation, discovered some new source leads, and connections. I look forward to seeing further fruits from this approach in the coming week.

Outline View & Harbor of Rest

This week I learned how to use the Outline View feature on MS Word. I even took the little tutorial they provide online. Today, I revised my dissertation outline using this tool. I had already copied and pasted the various parts of two previous outline versions, but was finding it hard to get a bird's eye view with five pages of text. So this morning, I printed the mishmashed outline and worked at the kitchen table figuring out my new chapter titles and ordering the chapters. Then I went down the entire outline and assigned the subtopics to the new chapter titles. I put my head in my hands a few times due to feeling overwhelmed by all of the details that needed sorting. Finally, I sat down at the laptop and entered the new chapter titles in outline view as 'level 1' text and the subtopics as 'level 2' text. Once that was done, I was finally able to see areas of overlap which I knew were there over the course of many writing sessions, a problem I knew needed to be addressed, but was dreading. After eliminating the repetetive subtopics, I organized the remaining ones, placing some as 'level 3' text. Now I am thinking of taking all that I have written so far - about 90 pages - and integrating it into one file (with chapter divisions of course). Once that is done, the text will not be very cohesive, but I can see where the gaps are and I think I will be encouraged to see how much work has already been done.

My latest research has been fairly exciting as I found some Syriac background to the 'Harbor of Rest' language that Macarius uses (in Greek). One source is a study of funerary inscriptions from a Syriac monastery which found that all nine patriarchal tombs contained the theme of 'harbor' and/or 'ship'. The tombs had lengthy inscriptions with theological content. It was an article by Dr. Amir Harrak who teaches at the University of Toronto. I wrote him an e-mail to query him further. The other interesting source was posted from SyriacMusic.com, quite an amazing site. You can see the Syriac text for various hymns and liturgical chants, as well as listen to them as mp3 files. What was interesting for my dissertation is that on the evening of Palm Sunday, a special ceremony takes place called 'Nahiré' also known as 'Reaching the Harbor'. The priests/deacons walk around the sanctuary with candles, they read and discuss the parable of the Ten Virgins, and reflect on death. They also chant about 'knocking at the door' which is a theme in Macarius as well. In reading these texts, there is a connection between 'reaching the harbor' and death. For Macarius, dying and passing into Heaven is one way to attain the harbor of rest, but he also teaches that this rest can be experienced, albeit incompletely, in the present. The body will not attain Rest until Heaven, but the soul can begin to experience it now. Rest is incomplete here as Satan will continue to attack while we live on earth. My next step is to read Jacob of Sarug's homily on Palm Sunday as I'm wondering if it will cover any part of the harbor theme.

This afternoon, I'm going to see a French film featuring Kristen Scott Thomas entitled 'Il y a longtemps que je t'aime'. This can be translated as "I've loved you for a long time" or as one blog posted "more accurately as "I have been loving you for a long time". It's about two sisters who are reunited after at least 15 years' apart. The older sister played by KST has spent those years in prison for a unspeakable crime, unbeknownst to her younger sister. Apparently, there are some interesting themes such as: is it possible to change one's life, the nature of sisterhood, the strength of women, and more that I look forward to discovering this afternoon.

Organizing my Dissertation

This morning, Sarah woke up just before 6 am, ate some string cheese, and then we went back to bed. I couldn't sleep as thoughts of my dissertation spiraled through my head. One of my goals for the immediate future is to improve my outline. I started with an outline that was approved by my dissertation committee. After the first two chapters were written, my director recommended that I base the entire dissertation on an expanded version of the second chapter. This fall then I fleshed out the original chapter, forging a new document of five chapters, bringing the page total just on 'Macarius' view of Rest' to about 50 pages. Then I attended a dissertation seminar that encouraged me to take all of the data I've compiled so far and try to look at it from a fresh perspective in the hopes that a more original thesis might emerge. I worked hard at this approach and decided the dissertation would be more meaningful if I looked at 'the place of Rest in the theology of Macarius'. Once I made that decision, I started writing again using a new outline. Now I have about 20 pages of writing from the new outline and 50 pages from the old outline. This morning, I worked at integrating the two outlines. I didn't get very far, but I did see that while it will be take time to integrate all of this material, it will be possible and it will make the project more organized. I found a quote online saying that we're in a world of information overload and unless the material being presented is in a logical, coherent form, it will not be helpful. I'm convinced that the topic is worthwhile, so now I need to take the time to make the details of the topic more approachable. Professor Corliss, from Marquette's Engineering Department, has a webpage that discusses about the dissertation outline as an engineering specification. I found his remarks about 'scope creep and schedule slip' very helpful:

If you are writing an MS thesis or a PhD dissertation, the Graduate School requires an outline. For a dissertation, EECE Graduate Student Handbook requires a proposal. You might be able to get away with doing these near the end of your project, by I strongly recommend you complete them early and that you complete them well.
Why?
#1 Project management. A dissertation is an engineering project, and it benefits from being managed like one. The risk of scope creep and schedule slip is VERY high. No one would consider undertaking a 1-2 year engineering project with a two page Statement of Work, but that is what you are doing. The cost to you of a loose plan is surely AT LEAST an extra semester of lost income, and probably more.
#2 Specification. Related to #1. No good engineer would undertake a 1-2 year project without a clearly specified acceptance test. How will you and your client (your committee) know you are done? Without a tight specification for the output, it is likely that you do work that turns out to be unnecessary, and it is likely that the committee will add scope (work) beyond what was originally intended. The cost to you of a loose project specification is the possibility of committee members continuing to ask, "Yes, that's good, but now you need to do this too."
#3 Protection. You may know colleagues who thought they were done, but one committee member or another kept insisting that they add one chapter after another, resulting in MAJOR delay in graduating. If you have a tight specification, and everyone on the committee agrees in advance that if you do what your plan says, we'll call it a degree; and you DO what your plan says; then it is a little harder for a committee member to demand more. A good Statement of Work protects engineers from unreasonably demanding clients. The time to agree on a Statement of Work is before the project begins.
The above is borrowed from this website: http://www.eng.mu.edu/corlissg/Advice/thesis_outline.html

One of my high school friends who finished his Ph.D. recently believes that one of the keys to finishing is good project management skills. He developed these skills in part through a consulting job. This will be my focus in the next few weeks, developing a clearer, more logical outline, writing a detailed work plan, and writing five days a week, 15 minutes or more on Mondays and Fridays, and longer stretches on Tuesday through Thursday when Sarah's in daycare. The fruit will come!

Progress

Yesterday, my writing finally began at 2:30 pm and by the time I needed to pick up Sarah, I had written 2-3 additional pages. Today, I realized I needed to install MS Word 2007 on our desktop computer in order to read the new files I've created for my dissertation. (Tom is off work for the rest of the week and wanted to use the laptop that has Word 2007 installed.) So I spent some work time making that transition. Unfortunately, I didn't write anything today. I did read a little bit of Greek from Mark and II Timothy. My Greek recognition is definitely much better than a few years ago and that is an encouragement. Last night, I found a dissertation support group online that I've decided to use on a limited time basis. It's at www.academicwritingclub.com and for $70 I will be a part of a group of people writing their dissertations, committing to writing at least a little five days a week, sharing strategies, encouraging each other online, and one coaching call. It's worth checking out and I'm hoping it will fuel more progress. I've definitely been realizing already that the hardest part about writing is sitting down and starting. The other key is planning out my work so I know what's next. These are the two things I want to work on in the short term. In the long term, I need to figure out the overall plan, i.e. what's needed to get the dissertation completed in 2009!

Freed Up to Focus

Tonight was my last night as a part-time medical transcriptionist. I told Tom tonight that my best Christmas present this year is the opportunity to leave this job, to have all of my energy and time to focus on getting my dissertation completed and caring for our family. An added bonus of course for the winter season is not having to drive to work in snow and ice at 10 pm twice a week. Now that the job is behind me, I am freed up to research and write. I noticed a book on Tom's night stand tonight entitled 'Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things Done'. It's geared towards the business world, but I think it is a good theme for me in the coming months. What do I need to do day by day to get my dissertation done? Plotting a course and making small steps will eventually lead to completion. How sweet it will be to be finished!!