Sustenance

During our vacation, I finished two great reads: 'Home' by Marilynne Robinson and 'An Altar in the World' by Barbara Brown Taylor. 'Home' hit close to my heart when thinking about family and the yearnings we have for each other, the changes that come through the years, the ways in which we know each other, yet do not fully know each other. The ways that grace courses through our lives in ways that we can never fully appreciate this side of the Jordan. 'An Altar in the World' is a non-fiction work, covering a variety of topics such as pain, prayer, being lost, and many more very thoughtful concepts. I had been reading the chapters over the course of a few weeks, but was very touched by the being lost chapter which is the feeling I've had this summer and that I'm hoping is going to be gradually changing as I head into the fall.

The last night we were there, I took a shower before we went out to dinner. I had just been reading some of 'Home' and just felt so empathetic for both Jack, Glory and their Dad. The tremendous love they had for each other was amazing. The father had prayed for Jack, who had been away for 20 years, and now he was home, but despite showing some signs of redemption, was still a broken person, just as his father and sister were. But his father, in his old age, lamented that he had spent so many years loving his son, yearning for him, grieving for him, praying for him, and all the pain he had experienced by exercising himself in this way.

So in the shower, parts of these verses came to me (found out later it is Isaiah 46:3-4): "Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." When I was reading the book, 'Home', I was connecting my father in his last years with the dad in the novel. And while my father was in hospice, I remember reading and praying those words, trying to have confidence that God was carrying my dad even in his old age and gray hairs. I knew Dad was on his way off the earth and I hoped with all my heart that God was being faithful to his lovingkindness for my dad, the one who helped to bring about my own life, and who did his level best to make me into a good person.

But in the shower, a shift came and I started to apply the verses to myself. Here I am in middle age, no longer having my birth parents alive on the earth, with the joys of having a wonderful husband and an amazing daughter and a sweet dog, along with many family members and friends who God has still left here on earth to share the journey with. But I've lived for so long like everything depended on my efforts. With the dissertation, I've been ready to throw in the bloody towel and just admit that I have failed to finish that race. But in the meantime, God has pointed out, gently and deftly as usual, that I cannot sustain myself in the dissertation race. I have a group of colleagues, family and friends who want to see me finish. I even sense that God has called me to a vocation of teaching college or seminary students, having an opportunity to pour care and insight into their lives.

But now it is September 8th. Now the new academic year has begun. Now I have to ask for a second extension on my dissertation. Now I have to press on. I appreciate your prayers that I would be aware of God's sustaining power and that I don't have to and can't muster the enthusiasm and energy to finish the dissertation on my own. I need God's help and I need the help of other humans. Thanks be to God for his faithful sustaining power and for his provisions through many caring people.