Turning Over a New Leaf or Two

In the past two weeks, I've started two programs that will lead to better health and fitness. Both are apps on my iPod Touch which I am really enjoying exploring - especially the free apps!

The first app is called 'Lose it!' and I started using it on Friday, April 9th, and so far, I've lost 8 pounds. The application allows you to choose your goal for weekly weightloss - between a 1/2 pound and 2 pounds. After entering your height and current weight, the program gives you a calorie limit to attain your weekly goal. Every day, I enter what I eat and drink, and many of the items are already listed in the application's database. There are general food items, supermarket and restaurant items. Sometimes I can't find what I'm eating listed, so I've looked up nutritional information on the web. Another app, I downloaded the free version, called 'Fast Food Calories Hunter', provides nutritional information for many restaurants. The application also allows you to enter any exercise done that day and that affects the amount of calories available for the day. One thing I didn't realize, but that now makes perfect sense, is that as you lose weight, the amount of calories allotted in order to maintain the same rate of weight loss decreases. For example, on April 9th, my daily budget was 1566. Today, my budget is 1494. The first few days of the program were the hardest and I felt pretty hungry. Now that hasn't been a problem which is a pleasant surprise. I've also decided that on the weekends, I would allow some flexibility in the budget, but I still try to make a relatively wise choice. For example, last night, we had Chili's for dinner. Instead of the classic beef fajitas which amount to 1160 calories without the toppings boat, I chose the Citrus Fire Chicken & Shrimp Fajitas which were 760. I've started drinking water with lunch and dinner and low calorie breakfast juices. One of the items that I used to scoff at are the 100 calorie packs of snacks. But now in the beginning stages of my diet, I am glad to know I can indulge in something tasty while limiting the calories.

The other program I've started is 'Couch to 5K' which basically takes a very sedentary person like me and gradually increases the distance one can run (or in my case slowly jog). I just finished the first three workouts - they recommend three a week for nine weeks. This first week, the program consisted of five minutes of warm up walking, and then 20 minutes of alternating running (60 seconds) and walking (90 seconds), followed by five minutes of cool down. One of my favorite aspects is that you can play your iTunes music with the program running and a voice prompts you to run or walk at the appropriate times. It also tells you when you're halfway and when one minute remains. Next week, I'll attempt alternating 90 seconds of jogging with 2 minutes of walking for 20 minutes. This first week, I was so grateful when the little voice said 'Start Walking' after I was winded from the 'running'. I may have to repeat some of the weeks because I'm starting the program in poor form, but I'm going to try and follow it and see how it goes.

One who Yearns to Know

Just finished chapter one of 'La's Orchestra Saves the World' by Alexander McCall Smith, a Christmas present from my husband. The chapter begins with two grown men traveling in a Bristol to their childhood home in Suffolk. Their mission is to inquire about La, short for Lavender, who apparently raised them at least for part of their youth. La is now dead, but they go to their childhood home and are greeted by the new owner. She agrees to tell them about La's orchestra and presumably about La herself.

When asked to tell them more, Mrs. Agg explains the nature of memory in small locales: "In this village, there's not a great deal to do. But remembering is something we're rather good at in these places. Have you noticed that? Go to any small village anywhere in the world, and see what they remember. Everything. It's all there - passed on like a precious piece of information, some secret imparted from one who knew to one who yearns to know. Taken good care of."

I resonated with this yearning to know. After my mom died and I had become a young adult, I travelled across the country to see relatives who might tell me something I didn't know about my mom. I found her address book and wrote all of the people that I remembered her talking about as well as some people who knew her in our first two years in Ohio before she died. Unfortunately, I didn't gain much insight from this quest. Hardly anyone actually responded to my letters (possibly they didn't receive them as the addresses might have been old.)

Twice there have appeared out of the blue opportunities to learn more about my mom. The first came when I lived in Pittsburgh and my maternal grandmother told me that she had a box of letters that my mother had written while she was stationed as a pediatric nurse in Japan as a young adult. There were a ton of letters as she wrote her 'Mum' at least once a week, sometimes more, during those two years.

Through those letters, we discovered that my dad almost missed the opportunity to marry her, as she had quite a few suitors. Fortunately, she was transferred to Chanute AFB in Illinois when my dad was there for Officer's Training School. Parts of her personality emerged too and I felt like I was getting to know her as an adult.

Then just a couple of years ago at my sister's baby shower, I discovered that my mother had called one of my sister's best friends quite often during the year she was ill. Mrs. Wasserman told me that they talked for hours at a time and mom poured out her heart to her about the pain of facing the reality of her terminal illness and dreading leaving her family behind. Mom never talked about these kinds of things with us, but we also didn't know she was going to die until shortly before her death. Now that I'm a parent, I am starting to understand how difficult those decisions must be whether to share many details with your children or to try to protect them from pain.

To return to the quote about 'yearning to know', I wonder how little I yearn to know things of significance. Our culture works hard to draw us into the scintillating and tantalizing items of tabloid journalism. But what is really worth yearning to know? This theme reminded me of how the angels long to look into these things (I Peter 1:12) - concerning how "in God's great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade..."

The yearning to know also connects with the desire language I've studied for my dissertation. As I continue to study Macarius, I've noticed that he presents 'Rest' through the language of basic needs and highest desires. He calls 'Rest' our food, drink, fire and clothing, but also burning passion, light, and glory.

Sometimes in the Scriptures, the language of desire is used for evil desires. For example, one place shows the downward path of desire: "each one is tempted when, by his own desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (James 1:14-15)

Let us remember at this season that the Messiah is called the Desire of the Nations. "In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land. I will shake all nations, and the Desired of all nations will come, and I will fill this house with glory." (Haggai 2:6-7) Let me not be satisfied with lesser things, although they may be tantalizing, interesting for a short-time, but may our Creator shape our desires and yearnings, to know what is significant and worthwhile.

"Sages leave your contemplations

Brighter visions beam afar

Seek the great Desire of nations

Ye have seen his natal star

Come and worship, come and worship" ('Angels from the Realms of Glory')

Sustenance

During our vacation, I finished two great reads: 'Home' by Marilynne Robinson and 'An Altar in the World' by Barbara Brown Taylor. 'Home' hit close to my heart when thinking about family and the yearnings we have for each other, the changes that come through the years, the ways in which we know each other, yet do not fully know each other. The ways that grace courses through our lives in ways that we can never fully appreciate this side of the Jordan. 'An Altar in the World' is a non-fiction work, covering a variety of topics such as pain, prayer, being lost, and many more very thoughtful concepts. I had been reading the chapters over the course of a few weeks, but was very touched by the being lost chapter which is the feeling I've had this summer and that I'm hoping is going to be gradually changing as I head into the fall.

The last night we were there, I took a shower before we went out to dinner. I had just been reading some of 'Home' and just felt so empathetic for both Jack, Glory and their Dad. The tremendous love they had for each other was amazing. The father had prayed for Jack, who had been away for 20 years, and now he was home, but despite showing some signs of redemption, was still a broken person, just as his father and sister were. But his father, in his old age, lamented that he had spent so many years loving his son, yearning for him, grieving for him, praying for him, and all the pain he had experienced by exercising himself in this way.

So in the shower, parts of these verses came to me (found out later it is Isaiah 46:3-4): "Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." When I was reading the book, 'Home', I was connecting my father in his last years with the dad in the novel. And while my father was in hospice, I remember reading and praying those words, trying to have confidence that God was carrying my dad even in his old age and gray hairs. I knew Dad was on his way off the earth and I hoped with all my heart that God was being faithful to his lovingkindness for my dad, the one who helped to bring about my own life, and who did his level best to make me into a good person.

But in the shower, a shift came and I started to apply the verses to myself. Here I am in middle age, no longer having my birth parents alive on the earth, with the joys of having a wonderful husband and an amazing daughter and a sweet dog, along with many family members and friends who God has still left here on earth to share the journey with. But I've lived for so long like everything depended on my efforts. With the dissertation, I've been ready to throw in the bloody towel and just admit that I have failed to finish that race. But in the meantime, God has pointed out, gently and deftly as usual, that I cannot sustain myself in the dissertation race. I have a group of colleagues, family and friends who want to see me finish. I even sense that God has called me to a vocation of teaching college or seminary students, having an opportunity to pour care and insight into their lives.

But now it is September 8th. Now the new academic year has begun. Now I have to ask for a second extension on my dissertation. Now I have to press on. I appreciate your prayers that I would be aware of God's sustaining power and that I don't have to and can't muster the enthusiasm and energy to finish the dissertation on my own. I need God's help and I need the help of other humans. Thanks be to God for his faithful sustaining power and for his provisions through many caring people.

Retranslation Day Two - Learning Some Intricacies!

Today I planned to tackle just a few lines from Collection I.V.2.7, but ended up doing the whole paragraph and made more sense of it. I looked up a lot of things that I had just made assumptions about before (ostensibly in the interest of saving time, but laziness can be a factor too). I worked beyond my goal of 30-60 minutes, hitting the two hours mark today, which is big progress for me.

So here is the Macarian thought of the day:

"Not one of us shall really discover God through one word/saying, but in order that he has him in the heart in all perception and full knowledge. (this is what God did...- my words, not in text, but I think implied) On account of your great worth, O humanity, He passed up all the diversity of creation. How wide is the heaven which offers also the shining of the stars, and (yet) the Lord did not take delight in them. And of what sort are the luminaries, of what sort and how great is the earth, and God disregarding everything, he took rest in the heart (of humanity). You alone are called the temple of God and you became the divine dwelling place, in order to lodge and encamp the Lord. "For I will regard with favor the one who is meek and quiet and who trembles at my words." (Is. 66:2b) and again "I will reveal myself to him" (Jn 14:21b) and "I and my father will come and we will make our lodging in his presence." (Jn 14:23b). Then you are the possession of God, you are the inheritance of the king. Do not despise him, O human, but enter upon the race and struggle, in order that you may be counted worthy of the crown by means of work and truth. For many from among us are listening to the Word from the Scriptures, and nevertheless, as the writings say, those have acquired, but only the strangers to work and perception know how to speak. "But if one competes, he does not receive the crown if he does not compete lawfully." (II Tim 2:5) There is a necessity of the race and toil and struggle, there is a necessity of affliction and labor, in order that one has Rest forever and ever."

Retranslation Making More Sense!

Although I'm in a drought with my dissertation at the moment due to some emotional valleys, I decided this week to retranslate some of the rockier parts of my Collection I translations of Macarius. I started with the first one today, Logos V.2.3, and just the last few sentences. But now they make more sense to me and they are actually very encouraging in this season of grief and sorrow. Hope they encourage you too.

"It is joy for the one who mourns and those who are burdened, and consolation refreshing the afflicted, and the tears and the groaning out of the depths of their hearts produce delights for those who belong to the house/family of God. For those who bypass this measure/rule by avoiding all affliction from the face of the soul are also the ones who forsake the tears, grace and love carried by/through the Lord. For such is the measure of completeness."

I know that when the tears come, there is healing in them and God is present with all those who mourn. In fact, he is a fellow mourner sitting with us in the dust. I appreciate your prayers that I would mourn as the grief comes, but be faithful to move forward with life when God gives me a good day like today. Today I used one of the humongous Greek-English concordances that my father and step-mom gave me for Christmas a few years back. It brought tears to my eyes, but thankfulness for that continuing symbol of their support in this project.

Moving Forward

Elizabeth Musser's latest album, 'Words Unspoken', went with me on my trip to Pittsburgh in April and I read the first 100 pages or so. Now near the end of July, I'm near the 250 mark and really enjoying the interwoven lives and stories. The story centers on a young lady, Lissa Randall, who lost her mom in a tragic accident for which she feels responsible. The book focuses on her driving lessons with Ev MacAllister and his gentle way of drawing her out towards healing and re-entering life. The main characters live in Lookout Mountain, TN, but also featured are scenes from Montpellier, France, where I met Elizabeth and her family back in 1990.

Now almost twenty years later, I feel a kinship with young Lissa as I face how many ways I choose to live on the edge of life rather than diving in to the center. Six weeks ago yesterday, we lost Dad. Last night, I took Sarah out to The Cheesecake Factory all fancied up like the 'Fancy Nancy' series we've been reading. A young couple was seated next to us with their six week old son, Elijah. It wasn't until I got home that I figured out that he was born about the same time that Dad died. I think God wanted me to see that even though I miss my Dad, that he has Life eternal to enjoy, while I have an opportunity to engage in life like Sarah, little JT, and now baby Elijah.

The past week has gone better despite a crazy schedule of parenting with Tom's work requiring extra hours, an esophagram on Tuesday, and two appointments on Thursday. I promised myself a fun day on Wednesday and got out to see the new Harry Potter flick. But Wednesday through Friday, I started the practice of 'freewriting' - free-flow writing for 10-15 minutes. On Thursday, I looked over chapter two of my dissertation and found some notes to work from that I had typed out in May before I left for Ohio. So this afternoon, I'm heading over to do some freewriting as well as some planning for the ch2 work this coming week.

We're having grilled salmon tonight compliments of Tom's charter fishing trip with some colleagues last night. Yum! Sounds like getting back into life to me!

In Honor of My Father, J.T. Brown (with some help from Tolkien)

J.T. Brown

“Hope he rekindled,

and in hope ended”

Our father had a great heart. Although he liked to show a tough exterior, those who had the chance to draw close to him knew that he genuinely enjoyed people, viewed his life as a blessed gift, and loved life. “A great heart shall not be denied.” (Théoden, 'The Battle of the Pelennor Fields')

Somehow Dad survived the heartbreaking loss of our mother and Providence brought him to Pauline. We are thankful for their companionship, gentle teasing, mutual care, and deep adoration evident to all who caught glimpses of their life together. “The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” (Haldir, 'Lothlórien') Their love blossomed in the midst of grief and illuminated the dark valley of chronic illness, and now death.
When Dad was first diagnosed, I feared that this would alienate him further from God who had so deeply disappointed him in the loss of our mom. Much to my surprise, Dad experienced a growth in faith and a tangible transformation in gentleness, kindness, and mercy. He knew how to be strong, but he learned how to receive from others the help he increasingly needed. And he would often say that God was teaching him through this illness. “Out of doubt, out of dark, to the day's rising, he rode singing in the sun, sword unsheathing. Hope he rekindled, and in hope ended; over death, over dread, over doom lifted; out of loss, out of life, unto long glory.” (Éomer's Song , 'Many Partings') Dad had an incredible capacity for hope and he faced the future without fear.

Sometimes Dad would question his value apart from his ability to perform physical tasks. Around his grandchildren, Dad would light up and I would remind him that he as a human being was having unique interactions with these little ones that would shape the rest of their lives. I told him I had no idea what it was like to face such severe limitations and I could imagine it would be easy to fall into despair, but he always surprised us. He chose to get a feeding tube when he had vowed never to accept that measure. He clung to life at the end far beyond our wildest imagination.

During Dad’s record-breaking stay at Hospice of Dayton, Nancy and I talked about our faulty long-held notion that we would probably live about as long as our mother. In view of Dad’s approach to life and the fact that we both now have two beautiful children who we yearn to accompany into life for as many years as possible, we talked about our need to imitate Dad. His life was not easy, but he embraced it whole-heartedly. Our lives so far have been relatively easy, and we have been holding back at least some because of our suspicion that we might not live past 46. “The Road goes ever on and on; Out from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, Let others follow it who can!” (Bilbo’s Walking Song in Rivendell )

The last few years were very special even though it was hard to watch such a strong man go through such humiliations, yet he endured them with amazing grace. My dad taught me so much about following your dreams, determination, speaking from your heart, and loving from the depths of your soul. I am so glad he is now together with his big brother, mom, dad, and other loved ones, and more than anything else that he could find the humility to lean on the everlasting arms and hide himself in the rock cleft for him.

In Lieu of Flowers, donations can be made to the following organizations:

http://www.myositis.org/ http://www.hospiceofdayton.org/